Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn...

It's funny.
I've written this blog so many times in my head that I thought when I got here it would all just come flying out. But that's not what's happening at all. I'm lying here--staring at this page, wondering where to begin. I guess here. With this. With these silly, stupid words I feel I've been saying entirely too much, lately.

I'm hurting.

And it's not like an easy hurt, the kind that lessens over time and makes you stronger as you go. Well, maybe it is but it sure as fuck doesn't feel like that presently. I hurt with every stupid corner of my heart. The saddest thing is, though--I'm not entirely sure WHY. The obvious reason is the breakup. But that was months ago. Maybe it was him moving on so quickly while I was still finding broken pieces of myself lying everywhere. Maybe it's because I'm mourning him. Not I'm mourning the him I knew before--long before. I'm missing the person I fell in love with. The person that (in all honesty, if I would ever actually face it) has been gone for years. But I also miss the person he left behind. This...shadow, I guess. A being that would show me glimpses, every so often, of the man I had loved. He told me he wanted me to stay in his life. That he would always support me. That we would take care of each other. I don't think I can actually believe any of that. Because that's not what's happened. Not really at all.  I've reached out, I've helped. I've shown support over and over again. But there's nothing given back but words. Words...simultaneously the easiest and hardest things in the world. Telling someone you care--that you want them to succeed, that you appreciate them--it's so simple, isn't it? A few seconds, and your duty is done. But meaning them. Actually putting effort behind them--that's something else entirely. And I'm so fucking tired of those WORDS. I am so tired of waiting for the tiniest bit of proof that they meant something, anything. That somewhere beyond all this hurt there is the hope of friendship, of connection. Of all this not just going away. That's something they never tell you, you know? When you break're not just losing a lover. You're losing one of your closest friends. Whether or not they were one of your best friends they spent almost every day beside you, with you. Learning your secrets, holding you through pain. Supporting you. Caring for you. You meant something to them. But then the relationship ends and so do the good intentions to keep on caring. And it took me a long time to get to this point. I miss my friend. I miss him so fucking much. I miss finding stars on the side of houses, and watching old TV shows, dinosaur talk, bites on the nose... and snuggling (not even sex, just snuggling) and sharing gifs and stupid stories from the internet and fan theories from Doctor Who, and yum boxes and my cat and thoughts on my new plays and  I...I miss it so much. I knew the end of my boyfriend was coming. But I never counting on losing everything else. And maybe that was just fucking naive. I've always been stupidly optimistic about the fact that exes can be friends. Maybe we just can't be. Because I'm so fucking lost and I don't know or understand all these rules. Get over them, don't contact them, DO contact them, follow through with promises even though they will never actually be appreciated. Something inside of me aches so much at the realization that even as friends, I'll never be able to be close to him again. That those feelings he once held for me are already moving along to someone and something else. Did I matter so little that I'm so easy to forget? And the fact is--he was over me forever ago. He ended it, and I know he'd been trying for awhile. He had his time to get over me, to move on with his feelings before it was even over. I didn't. And I still feel like I'm playing catch up. I feel like I'm constantly chasing this stupid goal, this dream that one day I'll wake up and not think about him. That I'll not go through every fucking day being reminded of him. And even the STUPIDEST fucking hope that he'll tell me he misses me. I said that the other day, "I miss you." he responded back, "I'll see you soon." I'm not saying those words, anymore. Because I'm honestly not even sure who I MISS. I'm just...I hate this. I hate this feeling. And I know it's all exasperated by the wedding this weekend. I thought he'd be here with me. I thought someday he and I would be there. And I'm surrounded by so much love and so many couples and I just feel so fucking... alone. And I know I'm really not. I have tons of friends to take care of me. Fuck, I've had five different people ask me out/start to get to know me since I posted about dating last week (which I'm still not ready for). There are options out there, I know. But I don't feel I would be doing the right thing. I still have so much pain that is slowly but surely becoming rage that I'm not sure what to do with it. But I know the answer isn't finding someone new. Flirting is fun. Kissing is brilliant. Sex is...well...all those things are beautiful and wonderful, but in the end they're ultimately still just distractions from my grief. I feel so much, and I think the reason I still do is because I haven't truly mourned him. I've cried. A LOT. I've bothered far too many friends and family members. I know everyone is sick of my sadness. But I never had my chance to just take time, be alone for a couple days, and end this. In my head, in my heart. Say goodbye to the boy, goodbye to the expectations that we'd still, in our small, weird way, be ok together. Someone put it very well, "You can't exactly trust a person who ended a relationship to be honest about wanting to stay in a different one with you." That's something I have to face. I just don't know if I'm ready to, yet. And whatever his words are, the fact that he is so present in the lives of so many others I know but completely staying away from mine hurts so much. He's going out of his way to avoid being associated with me in almost any way that people can see, and I'm here struggling to figure out what the fuck I did to deserve that. Is this like a secret friends thing? Am I only supposed to exist between the two of us? Where no one else can see that I'm still a part of his life?  I can't do that. I won't. I deserve so much more than that, even if he'll never own up to the fact that this is what's happening. He'll never read these words--my vlogs and posts were never really something he cared about after the first couple years, really--but if he did, I'm pretty sure he'd deny all of this. Say he's busy. Say he's got a lot on his mind. But let's be real--So do I. And how long does a text take? Or a phone call? Or a favor? Things that come very easily to the new people in his life. That's how it's always been. And I'm guessing how it will continue to be. So I go on, very slowly making myself face that truth over and over again. You. Are. Not. Important. Any. More. You still matter--here and there, bits and pieces. But there is no part of you that will take precedence over his new life. And though it sucks, that's not unheard of. You have to stop thinking that you matter more than you do. That time is over. It's over. It's done. Even if you don't understand.

Wow. That was a lot. Congrats if you made it this far on my stupid, whiny, completely necessary breakdown of everything I'm feeling. ALL THE FEELINGS! ALL THE EMOTIONS! ALL THE PAIN. FEEL IT. FEEL EVERYTHING. Because this pain will strengthen you sometime, a very long time from now. And you will write incredible stories and beautiful plays of the times in your life where everything and nothing mattered all at once. Use this. Feel this. Cry. Laugh. Mourn.

Don't mourn forever.

Well, here we are again. I guess it must be fate...

Hello Gentle Readers,

So in the title of this blog post, the first line and the very name of the blog itself I have placed three references to things I've loved. Because apparently I like to steal from the genius of others that have inspired me :)

I like to write notes on facebook, but I guess I feel that sometimes they overwhelm people or seem too 'attention grabby', so I figured I would go here and if anyone ACTUALLY cared enough to read what I have to say. That, and my little sister told me to. I think she gets tired of my epic wordiness. That's fair.

I guess this is the obligatory 'welcome back' post to a blog I started years ago and didn't continue. So...hi :)

And now, I shall make a new post to talk about what's actually on my mind.

I hope you all have a glorious day <3